New Baby, New Boundaries: Keeping the Peace with Parents & In-Laws
The time after bringing home your baby can be a big transition as you adjust to the new normal. On top of that, sometimes there is also a layer of complexity when it comes to navigating relationships with in-laws and parents. Well-meaning family members might have strong opinions, expectations, or desires to be involved, which can create tension or stress. As a marriage and family therapist, I frequently support couples in figuring out how to navigate parent and in-law relationships—here are some strategies to help you do the same.
“Plan” ahead
Discuss some scenarios and ideal boundaries with your partner ahead of time. Even if things do not go exactly according to plan (and they probably won’t), it can be important to have a sense of what both of your preferences are.
The Messenger Rule
This rule is pretty straightforward: each of you will be the messenger for your own parents. You are the one setting the boundaries with them, making requests of them, and just generally running interference as needed. While I typically don’t advocate for general rules, I typically find that this, with few exceptions, is the best way to preserve your relationship with your partner and their relationship with your parents.
Make two-person decisions
You will likely get a lot of feedback, opinions, and offers for help during this time. Try to ensure that any decisions being made are being made together, by you and your partner, in a private space. Agree to respond in the moment to that type of feedback with something like “Thanks for that thought/feedback/offer. We will discuss it and let you know.”
Set a boundary, and repeat
Once you’ve determined and shared your boundary, feel free to repeat it as many times as necessary. You do not need to offer extended explanation or justification. As a reminder, a request is something you are asking of someone else, but a boundary is something you are going to do. For example, a request is “Please don’t come over without calling us first.” A boundary might be, “If you come over without calling us first, unfortunately we won’t be able to let you inside.” No need to engage with pushback–just repeat as needed! And remember–according to the Messenger Rule, each of you is having the conversation with your own parents.
Learning to balance your new role as parents while maintaining respectful and healthy relationships with your extended family certainly isn’t always easy. By using the strategies above, you and your partner can be a little more aligned about how to navigate these relationships. Remember, it’s okay to advocate for what you need, even if that means having uncomfortable conversations–you are the parents and you get to decide what is best for your family!
Naomi LeVine (she/her) is a licensed marriage and family therapist serving DC, Maryland, and Virginia. She works with individuals and couples, with a special focus on couples who are dating, engaged, and newly married. She is passionate about working with her clients to gain a deeper understanding of their emotions and make choices in alignment with their values.